With Arms Outstretched

A Sappy Moment on a Sunny Day

There’s something wonderful about living alone in a busy city. Now there are days when I definitely don’t feel this way, those awful days when I typically head to Boston Market for some strange reason and hear sad songs specifically directed to me and observe how many lonely people there are here. But then there are days like today, when it seems as if nothing could upset anyone walking by and there’s so much movement around that I get overwhelmed taking in its energy (gosh, that sounds so crazy new agey, please go back and read it again so that it doesn’t sound that way). Maybe it’s just the sun finally coming out in Boston, I don’t know, but I like it.

I’ve realized a pattern in my life: I feel the most free, which leads to me being most peaceful, when I’m alone. I wish I could live my life like an experiment so I could fix a control and bring in different friends and situations to see if it’s really being alone that does it for me, but I can’t, so I make do with my paltry observations and thoughts. But when I speak about being alone, I don’t mean alone in a room away from everyone, or alone as in single rather than in a relationship, but rather alone in an environment, free from obligations, able to choose my course of action, my next step. Now, this does entail both being alone in a room sometimes and being single is also inherent to this scheme, so that’s a little strange and, frankly, a little scary. I mean, it is very well known, even if it’s not explicitly stated often, that I’m a shitty girlfriend; I just don’t have the free time to add in another person with their own life and all that entails. I’d like to think that given the opportunity I would make a decent attempt at altering my schedule for a good man, but that just hasn’t happened yet and my hopes are fading fast. So let’s get down to the real kicker: I’m a control freak who needs to have everything in my world under my thumb at all times. Way to turn a positive opener into a cynical ending, that’s true Alison form.

But let’s fight the cynicism, let’s fight the easy way out! Where I really meant to take this is that the choices I have made that have had the most positive impact on me involve me leaving “home” and starting afresh somewhere else. It’s this whole reinventing oneself to some degree, cleaning the slate, a new beginning (gotta love cliches, I can’t seem to get away from them today). But it’s more than that, it’s gotta be. Let’s consider it not settling for the easy route just because it appears easy. Instead it’s going for something totally different and opposite and not settling for a bad experience. It’s demanding that you get something out of a film, even a Rappaport film, even if all you want to do is destroy it. It’s wanting to find something good in someone even if they are crazy and even in finding something good you still won’t call them back. It’s enjoying awkward missed connection dates that last all evening even when you’re in Porter Square at midnight for no good reason. Dammit, it’s deciding that you’re going to be happy even when there’s no reason to be.

So I’m really sounding all new agey again and I do believe someone could think I’ve read that crazy “Secret” book about deciding my own path (I think, I haven’t actually read it, that’s crazy shit). But after having an absolutely wonderful time in Georgia for a week, getting to see one of my best friends marry the love of her life, reuniting with some of my oldest friends and catching up over coffee with newer ones; after chatting and eating and fighting with the sister, having wine with Mom in the green lushness of North Carolina, and even driving my car and getting to experience car rock, I was so happy to walk into my messy apartment yesterday afternoon. I guess I’m really just happy that I can live my life this way. I have the freedom to do what I want and little is expected of me. I don’t have to get married or raise a family or even get a job at this point, and, heaven forbid, if I one day have a child, I hope and pray that things only get better and that he/she may have this same kind of freedom to experience life.

I think the sunshine has made me a little screwy in the head, I apologize for all the sentimentality, but I guess I should embrace my sappy moments when I have them.

posted by Alison @ 8:30 PM