With Arms Outstretched

a late evening email

I've spent most of this weekend at home, doing a little of this and that and working on my thesis but not actually writing. I decided it was time to watch something not for school and, most importantly, in English, but once I started the film (Look Both Ways) I grew antsy and struggled to get into it. This isn't a new problem, in fact it's become a major obstacle in my life. Even with my "light" schedule, I still find that most of my free time needs to go toward my studies and of course there's never enough of it, so I try to set it aside and use it wisely, productively. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but one thing is consistent: I can't relax. Even when I give myself "relax time," I can't sit still and I feel the need to be working on something, anything. If it's not school, it's my apartment, which is cleaner than it's ever been. Thankfully, though, by some act of God I managed to calm down last night and enjoy the film, and afterwards I stayed up a bit late and emailed an old friend, Viv.

It felt so good to write a real email, it's a similar feeling to the one I get when writing an inspired blog. I just reread it, another procrastination device, and decided part of it needed to be shared further because I really summed up a incredible amount of thoughts into a few, relatively short paragraphs:

"hello viv love,

so it's late here, just after one am, but i'm feeling particularly full of thoughts and they all seem to somehow go back to australia and so i thought maybe i'd try to relay them to you. on the surface it seems very superficial, for instance i've grown very fond of the newest missy higgins album that i bought a few months ago but haven't really listened to until now. and then tonight i decided to watch "look both ways," a film i saw when i was in australia and had put on my netflix queue (do you have netflix in australia?) and didn't come out in the US for quite some time. it has been sitting here, though, for over a month, my pleasure movies have very much taken the backseat with my thesis, but after i made an updated writing schedule tonight and realized i had more time than i thought, i decided to finally rewatch it. i remember liking it quite a bit, and i definitely enjoyed it a second time, but i can't remember if i cried as much the first time as i did tonight. but i think on the whole i just needed a good cry film, i always do. my last one was "the breakup," you know, the one with vince vaughn and jennifer anniston? i have such "advanced" thoughts on that film, i think it is such a film of our time, my time, here in america. but that was the last time i really watched a film for fun, and that was probably back in january.

i think i'm finally beginning to realize how difficult grad school really is. for so long i thought that i both had it easy and that the general consensus was overrated as to the difficulty of an advanced degree. i don't know why i thought that, it didn't make me feel very smart for being in this position and it didn't help me to be understand the difficulties i've had, it would have been a lot better to tell myself that i had put myself in a very tough world and that it would be rough, therefore my good performance was a testament to my intellect. but i didn't, i just pretended like it was no big deal and that any problems i incurred were because i procrastinate too much/have ADHD. but now i'm nearing the end of my degree and reverting back to australia, to a time in my life when i really felt like myself. it has so much to do with control and time, something that i don't have much of here.

i think (there i go starting my paragraphs the same way) that i just completely underestimated graduate school. it seemed like the logical extension, the most sensible step to make after college, and on some level i don't doubt that. i also think that it's been fantastic for me in that i've really found a career path that i love and enjoy. but the last two years have been very hard on me and i'm just realizing it and admitting it to myself. going into a specific field of study requires a loss of self, a denial of most of the things you love in order to fully focus on just the one. there's only been room to satisfy my film desires, so in turn i've neglected my passion for music, both listening and playing, as well as religion and philosophy, politics, and even literature. it seems silly, but i don't even know the popular music nor do i feel my dance techniques are up to date. in short, i feel stunted. i could talk your ears off about film, but that's just the problem. i've spent the last two years in a film vacuum in order to satisfy my degree and get the most out of my program and because of it i've sacrificed many other aspects of my self. it makes me further question pursuing a PhD in anything, something i've already obviously put off but, strangely enough, was something that i thought easy as pie not two years ago. i admire those people who can really delve into a specific area, but i just don't think that's me. i would have said "right now," but in this moment, with these new revelations, i'm thinking not ever. but never say never, as my mother always said..."



I've recently had this desire to walk through the galleries at the MFA. Unlike my life at SAAM, where I had to walk through the galleries on an almost daily basis whether I wanted to or not, the only part of the MFA I ever see is my cave of an office, the cafeteria, and the auditorium. But it's more than the artwork that I miss about SAAM, it's the privileged time in the galleries before the museum opened that was so special, when it's just you and the artwork and maybe one guard walking around. It's really sad, actually, that so few people get to see the art this way. The space is so quiet and peaceful, you never feel like you need to move on to the next painting or get out of someone's view. You can really contemplate the art then, without any distractions or time limits. And you also can visit just one thing, just one painting or one sculpture. You don't have to worry about getting around to every room you want to see, you can simply give one piece your undivided attention for as long as you would like and then go about your day when you are finished. It's kind of amazing that this is one of the main reasons I want to work in a museum. I love exhibition, even more now that I've been working with it, but I love the environment of a museum, specifically the privileged environment one is able to inhabit with the appropriate badge.

posted by Alison @ 12:39 AM