With Arms Outstretched

"The Feminine Mistake"

Hmmm, so many things to write about, and really I guess I have the time to do it, but where to begin?! I’ve been reading this book, “The Feminine Mistake,” that talks about why women, and more specifically women from privileged and educated backgrounds, are making a huge mistake in becoming stay at home mom’s. In some ways I knew that reading this would not be a challenge to me but rather the author just preaching to the choir, but it has actually made me think a lot more about my position on this topic rather than me holding onto general ideas and adjusting depending on the situation. Basically, I’ve always held that a woman should work and have her own source of income, but I’ve been flaky and vocalized that I felt it okay for women to stay at home if that’s what they choose, even though I personally still had issues with those who decided to do this. But, at the risk of really pissing off some people, over the last year I’ve shifted considerably and I no longer feel the need to tell people I accept this when I really don’t. I think, at least 94% of the time, that a woman deciding to stay home instead of work is unacceptable and damaging.

There are so many more arguments to this than you would think and I know that I won’t get them all out in one entry, but I’m okay with that because maybe this will foster a little discussion and I have already planned on some follow up entries as I go through this book. So with that said, let’s begin.

The thing that must be addressed first because I think it is both such a huge factor AND an aspect discussed less often is the automatic assumption that the man will work full time for his entire life and that it is the woman that has the “choice.” I know very well that men are paid more than women, but it is not such a huge difference today as it was even ten years ago, and if educated women don’t stay in the workforce, then how do you expect the difference in pay to change if there’s no demand for it? Educated women have the power and ability to make a very comfortable salary and can just as easily be the breadwinner as a man. It is also wrong to assume that the woman can raise a child better than a man, hence the need for her to stay home and the man to work. Men are not raised like women in our society,i.e. there aren’t many teenage boys babysitting on the weekends nor are they pushed to take part in the raising of children in family and social circles the way women are, but this is no reason to further this backward tradition of placing child rearing in the feminine spectrum. Once again, how can we expect change if we, ourselves, are not demanding it? Even if a man has had little experience with children, that doesn’t mean he can’t learn.

And don’t even start with me on assuming a woman knows how to raise a child because I can tell you right now that I do not. I had not changed a diaper until I was 20 years old, babysitting as a favor for the new pharmacist in town and in shock at my own self when the one and a half year old had a smelly diaper and I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. The family assumed I knew the basics in terms of handling children,and left for the evening after a quick run down of the house and bedtimes. So here I was, messy diaper, and only a three year old for help. He showed me where all the stuff was and was my little assistant, but I know that it took me a good ten to fifteen minutes and I just hope the mom didn’t laugh and/or freak out when she took my diaper job off after I left.
In short, even girls who were raised with babies left and right and think they know the ends and outs of parenting don’t really have a clue. In one way, parenting is a natural thing, it doesn’t require expert after expert to explain the process, but this natural aspect is not limited to females, even if that baby did grow exclusively in her for the better part of a year. And the part of parenting that isn’t so natural must be learned, be it from experts or your parents or a friend, and a man is just as capable as a woman at learning and applying these things. But the problem is that women won’t allow men to do this and men don’t want to learn, both are bred out of fear and pride. The reason this assumption still exists is everyone’s fault and at some point we have to fight to change it.

So, wow, all of that and I’m just at the beginning of my argument. I knew this would be long and complex, so I’m not really shocked, but this looks like a good stopping point for the moment. I find this issue to be worth the thought and energy to really explore and dissect and look for some solutions.

Today starts my last week in Boston and I’m a little sad. There’s so much to do here and the thought of missing out, even just two months, is upsetting. But I know that DC will be just as fun and exciting, it’s just sad to go when the weather has just started to get good.

posted by Alison @ 3:32 PM